I don’t understand this. I am one of the best people I know. I care (or try to care) for everyone. I give to most everyone, love those close to me and try to give most everyone the benefit of the doubt. Why, then, aren’t I given as many second chances as the guy next to me. Or the guy next to him? For me, it seems like it is always “one and done.” Second chances seem to never materialize.
I never lie about my intensions and I never lie about my feelings. And I never ever lie to others about where I stand on issues (albeit respectfully). Yet I still get treated like I do and seem to always get the “short end of the stick” (never mind where that stick is placed). Why is it that a guy can be such an asshole and still get the girl? Over and over and over? It even seems like the bigger asshole you are, the more chances you get that are very clearly not deserved. Yet guys like me (and there are more of us . . . I’ve looked) only get one the one opportunity. Why is it that the one who is clearly clueless and has nothing figured out gets the job? And when that knucklehead quits, it’s okay because they’ll just get the other. Who will just quit again for some inane reason like they don’t like who they work with. Or don’t like their hours. Or don’t like to just “work.”
I don’t claim to be clairvoyant but how can I see this? Why can I see things the clearly obvious things but no one else can? How is it that I can tell when these things can happen but no-one else can? Countless times I see these situations happen right in front of me and countless times the result is the same. Every time I’m just proven right as to what I knew what would happen. For the most part, until now, it hasn’t been that I felt that you should have picked me. It’s been more of a case of “how in the world did you pick that guy (or girl)? Still, at some point I reach the point where I have to think “maybe it is me. Maybe I’m the one who’s screwed up.” All this makes me feel like no-one believes in me. Yes, I have failed. Yes I’ve made mistakes. But so has everyone else and that, by itself, should not define who we are.
So what does all this mean? Where is this all supposed to lead me? I feel like I’m getting up only to get knocked right back down. Again and again. And again. Every single time. Right when I believe I’ve hit rock bottom, the floor I stand on begins to sink even more, but why? Why me and why now? What do I have to do and what do I have to prove? To anyone? I am certainly not going to kill myself, but I have a better compassion for those that think in those terms. I simply can’t allow myself to waste my personality and assets for that asshole next to me. To allow him/her to achieve everything that I can do better, or at least just as well. But all this leads me to is another dead end filled with nothing but darkness and confusion.
Where do I go, where do I stand? Because I have absolutely no idea. Every time I think I might know where I should go or what I should do, the door slams shut. Hard. This makes me wish sometimes that I were in fact weak enough and to end it all. But what good does that do? Just hurt the people who do love me? Then I am looked at as the weak one who was so pathetic I chose to take my own life rather than face it. And the truth of the matter is that, in the most drastic of ways, I would just be “the other guy.” The one who quits. The onewho doesn’t want or accept the challenges in life. I guess thats not an option anymore is it? I want those challenges. I need them. I just need people to at least recognizeit.
Son of a bitch there goes another door slammed shut in my face. That’s supposed to be the easy door. The door that people who give up go through. The last option we are given as people. And I don’t even have that. So what the hell? Where’s my door? The damn door that gets me out of this God forsaken nightmare I’m living in? The door that gets me back to my happy self before all of this. The door that gets me to where people ask me how I’m doing and I answer great but here’s the catch? I actually mean it. The door that allows me to travel the world and see what I want to see and do what I want to do. The door that gives me the dream girl I once had and that best friend by my side who will always be there? The door to freedom from this depression and the door that leads me to where I need to be. Where is the path to this door? Please, I don’t know anymore.
Many studies show that this is all just a phase and that it’s common for teens and young adults to go through this type of thing. Whether it’s hard to believe or not it is something that comes up every time the topic is brought up regardless of who brings it up. Many people go through this sort of issue in high school when they’re bullied day in and day out. Others go through it after college when they realize all the hard work that they’ve put into school and their career hasn’t gotten them anywhere and all they’re left with is thousands and thousands of dollars in debt with nothing to really show for it.
All in all I should be happy. I have a home, a car, and a family as well as a support system. And above all, a plan and a goal that I am working extremely hard to achieve. This should lead to happiness for me but it simply does not and leads me to wonder why. I’ve heard that life is like a roller coster, you can scream every time there is a bump or you can throw your hands up and enjoy the ride. However Im not quite enjoying the ride. But looking for the door that leads to my happiness. So tell me, where is it?