In 6th grade I had just finished running laps in my p.e class and since it was my last class of the day i was gonna go change and then wait for my ride to come pick me up. I found a big tree at the front of the school so i was just gonna lay there while I waited because it was pretty hot that day so it was nice to be in the shade. I was so tired after my run that I actually ended up closing my eyes for a bit and i didn’t open them until I heard someone walking up to me. When I opened my eyes, all I saw was someone in a grey hoodie throwing a punch at my face. This was nothing new though, this was just the most recent attack in a year full of bullying at all that bullying put me in a really bad spot that took me years to recover from. I had to figure out how to cope with the bullying and basically had to prove to myself that I was worth it.
I was bullied from 5th grade up to 7th grade and a little into 8th but by the end of 8th grade i had grown taller than everyone else so no one dared to mess with me anymore but those years of abuse left a big mark on me and my mental health. It actually got so bad that the latter part of 6th grade and the early part of 7th grade when my family would leave for work or school and i was home alone i would actually get my dads handgun load it and put it to my head and sit there until someone comes home then I would hide it again. I did that until i heard two quotes that at least got me to stop contemplating suicide. I have no idea who said them or where i heard them but they absolutely changed my life they are “Suicide is a permanet solution to an impermanent problem” and “suicde does not get rid of your pain, it only takes it and gives it to someone else”. The second quote was the one that really saved my life because imagine my dad coming home and finding me dead in his bed, with his gun in my hand. I know my dad and he would feel like he failed me and our family and I could not put my family through all of that. It wasn’t until I was out of highschool when I really got past that stuff. It was a long and bumpy road though, i lost a lot of people I cared about because i came up with this tough guy alter ego to try and counteract everything that had happened but all that did was isolate me even further because i kept pushing people away so i needed a new way to cope.
To add to all the mental and physical abuse I suffered in middle school immediately after middle school my dad ended up moving me away from all my friends, away from the people that made me feel safest. I went into my freshman year of highschool completely alone again so I had no one to turn to when things got bad. About half way through the semester I had started talking to people and actually making friends there was even this girl Dhalila that I really liked who I was gonna go see a movie with but we ended up moving again but this time to arizona. Instead of moving from one town to another like before this time it was to a completely different state so once again I was alone but this time I was alone in a 100 degree desert with nothing to comfort me but cactuses (which dont give great hugs I ended up finding out). So once again I have to put myself out there and make new friends but this time it was way faster because I met this girl Julie who actually introduced me to all her friends and one of those people actually ended up becoming my girlfriend but i’m hoping she’ll say yes when I ask her to be my fiance. So I hang out with julie’s friends all the way until the end of the school year then BOOM I switch schools, I don’t end up moving but i end up switching schools so once again I have to make new friends even though by now im old enough to have a phone so I keep in contact with some of the people from my last school. But by now I had started pushing people away with this fake me i created and I hated that I kept doing it. I mean it was so bad that I would ask a girl out and when she rejected me i wouldnt get sad i would get mad like how dare she not want to date me. And it was awful.
So now it is my sophomore year of highschool now and im doing a little bit better because the friends I made at my new school actually ended up getting me into sports. At first it was just playing catch or something at lunch but eventually they got me to try out for the football team and I liked it. I made the team as a wide receiver because im tall and can run fast. I loved the camaraderie between the guys on the team and the lights shining on the field when we played at night. Those games where the happiest id been in a very long time but after about 10 games it happened. I went up for a catch and as I was up in the air a defender from the opposing team hit me right in the chest as I was coming down and actually broke one of my ribs and put my rib into my lung which ended up puncturing it. After that I was in the hospital and bed ridden for weeks and even after i could get up I could barely move or breathe which put me back into that hole i had just climbed out of and I felt lost again. I thought that football was gonna be my thing, that was gonna be my thing that got me past my depression and heck maybe id even make a career out of it. But sadly it was just a nice escape for a few months but then I lost it.
In December of my sophomore year I met this girl cayce through my friend Julie who I started talking to over Facebook and really quick it felt like there was some kind of connection like it seemed as though we were the same person. After only 4 or 5 months and prompting from Cayce’s friend I took the leap and asked her out and to my surprise she actually said yes. Ever since that day my life has been on an uphill climb even though in between sophomore and junior year I moved back to California leaving my girlfriend in Arizona. She was the one that truly got me past all that stuff that happened in 6th grade. So nearly 6 years later I finally started recovering and it was because we would always talk about our dream dates or dream house which allowed the real me to come out. Before her I had that tough guy alter ego that would say mt perfect date is sex and mt perfect house is an expensive one but with Cayce i was able to let my walls down and really go into detail on stuff and be me. For once in years i was able to be me and I loved it. So I guess this whole paper and my whole journey boils down to be yourself no matter what people say, no matter what people do if you be you then you can do anything you want. I am about to finish my first full year of college and in only one more year I will have 3 associates degrees all because my girlfriend and my friends helped me see who the real me is. Plus this is my way of flipping off all the people that bullied me years ago, this is my way of proving them wrong.